It was long overdue. I was starting to feel like a 3^rd grader who was deprived for months without a recess. Las Vegas was my playground and I needed to play. So did Axe, McBride, Baba, Ron, Punchline, and Meyer. In celebration of Axe's first days as a 30 year old, McBride's's first days as a 29 year old, and my final days as a 26 year old, the bright lights and endless nights were beckoning.

 

Friday

 
I drove alone. I am a fan of the four-hour drive to Vegas. I flew once and didn't like it. The longer it takes you to get somewhere, the more you can appreciate the destination. I enjoy being alone sometimes. It gives me time to think. About my day. About the weekend. About money. About girls. But not about my worries. There is something mysterious about driving through a desert in order to reach a weekend destiny of drunkenness, lust, and greed. It is so fucking exciting. The anticipation and stories-to-be paced patiently through my pregnant mind, silently awaiting their liberty.

 
We met at a $25 all-you can eat sushi bar that night to witness McBride tell an inappropriately loud story of one of his psych clients. Something about "pulling dicks off," with a double extra decibel level on the word "dick." Peaceful public patrons took a quick pause on their dinner to listen in on a story that had just obnoxiously reached its punchline. Axe said in borderline embarrassment, "Dude, welcome to public."

 
We finished our dinner and met up with Meyer, Ron, Punchline, BooBoo (Punchline's girlfriend), and Mary (a friend) at the Mandalay Bay. Axe tagged along too, but under the presumption that we would not be going to any clubs. McBride stayed home and used the excuse "I have to get the barbeque set up for tomorrow" which was a not-so-undercover disguise for "I have to hang out with my girlfriend. Sorry guys, I am lame."

Anyway, some dice were thrown, free drinks were consumed, money was lost, and before we knew it midnight was upon us. We were shitfaced, and no one had any ideas. Axe suggested going to "Casino Royale." It sounded fishy, so we opted for the Rum Jungle. Apparently clubs in Vegas have a way of losing their luster after two years. Rum Jungle had peaked in 2001, and was now at the tail end of a seven-year decline. It sucked. Maybe 100 people total. We felt like we were at one of those clubs in Tijuana with all the cool lights and no one inside. There were so few girls that I went 0 for 3 and still felt like I had optimized my opportunities.

We left the ghost club and went to some 50s after-hour joint called "40-duece" or something. During our visit, some chick asked Meyer if he was gay. BooBoo overheard the exchange and tried to take things outside. The chick accepted her proposal. What did BooBoo do? She didn't punch her. She didn't cuss her out. She didn't storm outside to "take things outside." BooBoo flashed the chick her tits. The chick gave her a puzzled look and the violence fizzled into humor. The chick and Meyer ended up having some sort of "serious conversation" or something following BooBoo's unprecedented outburst. I decided to abort the place and play craps by myself. Baba met up with me later while Meyer, Ron, Punchline, and the girls stayed.

Baba and I won back our losses from earlier and finally crashed at 6 a.m. Punchline and BooBoo went back to the room to hook up. Ron hooked up with Mary on accident. Meyer had other plans.

Meyer got separated from the rest of the group, and, while walking through the lobby, encountered a drunk broad with a face overloaded with make-up. She agreed to go up to the room with him. When they arrived, however, the room was jam-packed. Meyer cleverly took her into the bathroom. He turned on the lights and three things happened: 1) the bathroom light turned on. 2) the cartoon light bulb inside of his head turned on too. 3) He saw the girl's face and became frightened.

 
Meyer silently freaked out. The chick's hair was a mess. Her make-up was smeared in all kinds of creative geometric angles. Her overall appearance was in utter shambles. She had probably just gotten fucked and was on her way back home before she ran into Meyer in the lobby. She was obviously going for the "two in an hour early morning special."

 
He had to rid himself of this chick. Now. He told her they should "go back downstairs" and got in the elevator with her. As soon as the elevator doors began to close, Meyer bolted through the doors and back to the room, leaving his chick alone in bewilderment. He slammed the door shut and panted out of both fear and disgust. Scary indeed. Sorry Meyer.

Saturday

 
The day didn't begin until around noon when we all awoke from a relatively uneventful Friday night. Well, except for poor Meyer, who had now become known as "U-turn Meyer." We rested up for what was being described as "the big night." Beebo and McBride were "anti clubs," so when we told them that the rest of the crew was going to Tao, they became two peas in a pod and made other plans. U-turn Meyer, Ron, and the girls were there for some other chick's birthday too, so we ate dinner at Tao in celebration. The food was good. I had three sushi rolls, two dumplings, a sliver of sashimi, a sliver of beef, two pieces of kung pao chicken, approximately 36 grains of rice, a large water, and a chocolate Buddha. That was it. The bill came out to $81 a person. Fuck. For a dinner? The only thing more pointless than that is that one  "agricultural inspection" station on the way back from Vegas on the I-15. But whatever, this is Las Vegas. Where the 20s go like dollar bills. Where brothers encourage you to hook up with their younger sister. And of course, where IT can happen to you. You always have to be prepared for any situation.

 
The club was poppin. Drinks were consumed quickly. Baba and Lela met up with us soon thereafter, and it wasn't long before I began another adventure in my search for a one-night stand. Here are the abridged highlights.

Girl 1 (Accidentally bumped into me while fighting to get in line to buy drinks. She got her drink and walked by me again)

Me: You were so rude earlier.

Her: (surprised) I was? How?

Me: You bumped into me.

Her: Aww I'm sorry, it was an accident.

0 for 1

Girl 2

Me: Is that a hairclip or a barrette?

Her: It's a hairclip (touching it).

Me: what color is it?

Her: Why does it matter?

Me: It says a lot about a person.

Her: Like what?

(I bullshitted but didn't get anywhere)

0 for 2

Girl 3 (Was holding her drink awkwardly. Her arm extended in front of her a full foot and a half away from her body. It seemed dangerous.)

Me: So why are you holding your drink like that?

Her: (Looking at her drink) Huh?

Me: It looks a little awkward

(She ignored me and continued to hold her drink in that same uneconomical way, probably spilling it in ten minutes)

0 for 3

Girl 4 (A 6'1 chick)

Me: Basketball or Volleyball?

Her: Neither. I play football.

(I talked to her for a bit. Apparently there is a secret female football league somewhere in the Western United States. This chick was a free safety. She wasn't very attractive.)

0 for 4

 

Girl 5 (Had two drinks in her hand)

Me: Where's your friend?

Her: I don't know. I'm trying to find her

Me: What a lame friend; you bought her a drink and she mysteriously disappeared?

Her: (Still anxiously searching, barely taking notice of me) I know, I need to find her.

0 for 5

Girl 6 (Was wearing a purple top)

Me: I think you're my myspace friend (a lie).

Her: (She looked at me for three seconds) Really?

Me: Yeah, don't you have a purple background?

Her: Uh no. You got the wrong girl.

0 for 6

Girl 7 (Was waiting in the longest part of the line at the bar)

Me: Ok, so why are you standing there?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Well, it looks like you're trying to buy a drink, and you chose to stand in the longest part of the line.

Her: (She looked in front of her) My friends are buying me a drink.

Me: Oh, well I still think you should have stood somewhere else.

She was a cute little Canadian chick. We talked for about 7-8 minutes, but her friend came out with her drink. She seemed interested in me but looked sober, lame, and tied to her even lamer friends. I felt that my best chance was if I saw her later in the night. I pointed to a not-so-crowded part of the club and told her to "meet me over there later."

0 for 7

Girl 8 (Had a mysterious lone spike on one side of her head)

Me: How'd you get your hair to do that?

Her: Hairspray

0 for 8

Girl 9

Me: So are you from Arkansas?

Her: Huh? Arkansas? Why do you say that?

Me: This one chick I used to know from there also had a yellow top. But don't worry, she was cool.

Her: Well, I'm not from Arkansas.

0 for 9

Girl 10 (Was next to a VIP table)

Me: So do you have to be famous to be a part of this table?

Her: No, it's my friend's birthday.

Me: Oh, I see. So I like your dress. Did you get it at Charlotte Russe?

Girl 10 and I talked for a good ten minutes before I concluded that she wanted to make out. I tried this new move of mine that had been working lately. I gently grabbed her arm, and, using a small amount of force, pulled her in front of me. Her face was four inches away; I went in for the kiss. We made out for 30 minutes until her friends dragged her away.

1 for 10

After making out, Axe and McBride texted me to come to Casino Royale. I was over the club and wanted to party with these guys for their birthdays anyway. Just as I was about to leave, I caught a glimpse of Girl 7 (the Canandian chick) walking in the vicinity that I had told her earlier to meet me at. I walked up to her and spoke in her ear.

Me: Where have you been?

Her: Heyyy. I was dancing.

(Her friends moved on, but she stayed back and talked to me)

Me: So it took you long enough to meet me here.

Her: I was here before! I couldn't find you.

We talked some more, but she unfortunately wanted to dance to shitty music in the unknown music area. They were playing shit I had never even heard of. It was a brutal combination between techno and hip-hop. It hurt my nerve endings, but I danced anyway. She wasn't too inviting on the kiss, so I used the sleaziest card in the deck.

Me: So I've never kissed a Canadian chick. I have to kiss you.

Her: (smiling) You haven't?

Me: No, for reals. Is it different?

Her: I don't know.

I leaned in, and we made out (2 for 10). I was sick of it after only a few seconds. She was an inexperienced club kisser and was worried about whether her friends would see. Great. When she took a quick break to check with her friends, I had to make a decision on whether to stay or leave. I concluded that she was a bigger dead-end than a cul-de-sac on Halloween. I made like a trick-or-treater, and got the hell out of there. 

I arrived at Casino Royale to find Axe and McBride double fisting beers. I agreed with them. We drank and hit the tables. We stayed at the craps table for a little over two hours. While we were there, ten things took place in the city of Las Vegas.

1)      Some chick Axe had previously fucked met up with them bringing her single friend, whom I started hitting on immediately.

2)      Back at Tao, Ron received a gift from oddsmakers. After going 0 for 22, some chick grabbed his arm and began ravenously making out with him. He tried to take it further after it was over, but she said otherwise.

3)      Axe began rolling the dice. One hour later, he was STILL rolling. Money was won. Bigtime. But unfortunately, the main guy in the middle disagreed with his jokes and our laughing. Apparently, "fun" was not allowed to be had at this table. The guy threatened to kick him out, but Axe carried on as he normally would. He remained loud, he continued to high-five McBride and I, and he continued to roll the number 5. The main guy also disagreed with him repeatedly rolling the number 5. The main guy eventually removed himself from the table and brought in a more stable replacement.

4)      Back at Tao, U-turn Meyer blew it with some chick.

5)      I was winning so much that I got sidetracked and was too stupid to realize that the chick I was talking to wanted to fuck me. I kissed her using the line, "Can I smear your lip gloss?" (3 for 11) She wanted to take me home, and the other chick wanted to take Axe home. The girls left by themselves in sexual frustration. We stayed and continued to enjoy Axe's roll. Our minds had subconsciously chosen craps over sex.

6)      During a bathroom break, McBride picked a large booger, flicked it, and it landed on a slot machine chair. Aware of this event, Axe sat on the chair anyway, and put $10 into the machine. He lost. We returned to the craps table.

7)      McBride began falling asleep at the craps table. If someone had been filming him throughout the two hours he was at the table, and had watched the film in super fast speed, you would see his eyelids steadily become heavier, and his head steadily get closer and closer to the edge of the table. At the end, he was 2% awake.

8)      During another bathroom break, I suddenly became aware that I was horny. I asked Axe if he wanted to go back and fuck those chicks. He made me painfully aware that the window for that had closed, and if I went back to their hotel, there was only a 12% chance I'd get laid. I agreed with his percentage. We returned to the craps table.

9)      Subway opened. We all bought sandwiches. While Beebo and I were buying ours, McBride had fallen asleep on a slot machine stool. Security came to wake him up. He woke up, purchased a turkey sub, and then stormed for the exit with his head down like a rebellious eight-year-old that was trying to ditch his parents at Disneyland.  

10)  Some unfortunate man on the strip just hopped in a mysterious van with a "hot chick." One blowjob, one alley, and 15 minutes later, IT happened to him.

Sunday

 
I awoke at 10AM to rustling noises and an explosion of conversation from the other eight people sleeping in our room. We packed our things and began the drive back home. I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home. I needed a break. I stopped at a Del Taco in Barstow, drank some water, ate some food, and thought about my trip. Rejuvenation circulated through my body as I got back in my car, and inched my way closer to reality, and farther away from my playground. Recess was over.